When I was at the highest of my concentration
And free from any traces of excitement
From rainy empty streets with sleepless drunkards
From stale and viscous air that raked of car exhaust
From shadows lurking deep inside my sober mind
From wondrous quirks of my peripheral vision
From cringing hopelessness of newborn thin November
My God had spoken.
He spoke to me:
Be free from sin.
Don't try to scare me — I have seen you all.
I have forgiven worse than your indifference.
I have forgiven you in each and every shape,
In each and every life you ever lived.
Be free from sin.
No use pretending you're intelligent or calm,
No use pretending you've been educated,
No use pretending you have mastered self-control,
No use pretending you are frail or need protection,
You're no observer of the human nature.
You're neither spoilt nor virtuous. Others
Have taught you nothing,
Nothing.
Be free from sin —
You cannot have it all. The world is really
Not your domain. You've learned so far
How to be meek, responsible and guilty.
They say I am like father to you all. Consider
How you would look yourself to trillion children.
You would still scrap some minutes for yourself.
You would be kind, but utterly withdrawn
Because if handful is too much for you,
How much more I am strained.
You'd still be lonely.
You'd still be patient, loving and forgiving.
They are your flesh, and blood, and twisted, creaking bones.
They are yourself — you can yourself remember
Each joy, and wonder, and humiliation,
And victory, and pain, and cold and twinkling silence
Between you and your sudden other self. Yet they won't listen,
Their ears are closed. They feel too damn unique.
You cannot really penetrate this fence
That they will raise — you cannot break through mine,
Because I am like you — you won't believe it.
You say I'm fantom — well, the hell I am.
I am yourself. Your empathy has limits,
But your desire has none.
Be free from sin.
These men and women,
They are your feeble and imperfect image
As you are theirs.
My sick and hopeless urchins,
My heart is trembling and my judgment failing
Whilst I am looking at your toils and sorrows,
And yet I can do nothing,
Nothing.
I am like you.
You got my words all wrong,
Because throughout you didn't pay attention,
You listened to your own imperfect thoughts,
You read your musings into words of power.
They shall misunderstand you just the same.
Be free from sin —
You really have no choice,
You're cursed with utmost purity. Your weakness
Is really weakness. Bless you! Go to sleep!
I woke up to a freezing snowy night,
The milky void around me was December.
I longed for human warmth, but none was given.
I breathed the windy silence and my freedom
Was absolute.