Butterfly and Ocean

Перевод стихотворения Алины Серёгиной "Бабочка и Океан"

Is she really brave or keeps on pretending?
Isn't she afraid or it's just a lie?
Where Ocean's wild as it sure can be,
There's a little flittering butterfly.

Air is cold and lonely for hours and hours,
Waves are spiders making their deadly net,
While she's used to fly over fields and flowers,
Summer fields are all she has ever met -

Look below - the abyss with ice is there,
Ices shouting louder than the wind,
That they've seen a lot of much more prepared,
Lot of more obsessed, lot of better-winged.

Lot of born to fly who can't live without,
Lot of deeper tested the taste of flight,
Even those were partially tired out,
Even those were lost in a stormy night.

Ocean's filibustering, roughly playing,
Overcoming everything that it wants.
Butterfly believes she'll achieve her aim,
Though every minute tells that she won't,

Though she will fall into troubled water,
Never reaching jungles and tropic coasts,
Ocean, who's heartless in any murder,
Suddenly will notice it's tiny loss.

Suddenly unable to take and face it,
Equally inhuman to friend and foe,
It will roam for long, roam drunk and crazy,
Breaking little taverns along the shore.

Несмотря на хвалебные рецензии ниже, увы, перевод явно недотягивает, хотя попытка не пытка, и потенциал есть (сохранен ритм и размер). Типичная ошибка русскоязычного автора - артикли. Doesn't she afraid, как и easy face it нельзя сказать, murder и murderer разные вещи, лучше monster или mobster. Однако taverns гораздо лучше сугубо русских трактиров в оригинале.

Валентин Емелин   21.09.2017 21:37     Заявить о нарушении
Валентин, спасибо за дельные замечания. Я подумаю и исправлю.

Чернышов   24.09.2017 21:05   Заявить о нарушении
На это произведение написаны 4 рецензии, здесь отображается последняя, остальные - в полном списке.