Old Nick got tossed in jail for speeding with a suspended license. On his first night he had the pleasure of meeting a few of the more hardened cons (convicts). Old Nick’s fear of having his personal space violated were put aside after learning that it was a special night. During the full moon, all the inmates gather around to exchange their life stories. After Nick finished his short, although thrilling, tale, it was the turn of ‘suck’ Willie Horton. ‘Suck’ got his name for the way he conned liberal Democrats in his state to let him out of jail early so he could continue his murderous rampage. The democrats are always willing to help a Minority in Need. After all, their symbol isn’t a jackass by accident. But that was not the subject of Suck Willie’s story tonight. He wanted to tell of his first adventure into the world of crime.
‘In school all I ever received were failing grades. Considering I never went to class, I figured it was unfair of them to fail me. How could they know how stupid I was if I was never there? But thanks to the policies of the liberal dominated school Board, I was always allowed to advance to the next grade. They didn’t want to ruin my self-esteem by holding me back a year. By eighth grade even they had enough and kicked me out of school.
After this I decided to get a place of my own. Besides, Mom beat me up whenever I went home. I knew what I wanted, a 36-room Mansion with a butler and French maid. Only problem was how to get it? I wasn’t going to work for it; only fools work for what they can take for free. I decided to rob a bank. I saw some guys do it on a TV show and it didn’t look too hard.
I put together a gang with some of the toughest eighth graders in town: there was Barney ‘The Dinosaur’, he was called this because he had a brain the size of a walnut; ‘Mumbles’ Malone – he got his nickname because no one could understand anything he said; and finally ‘Bouncing’ Bob Buttifucco who earned his name by doing just that when he was dropped while still an infant.
Our first stop was the neighbourhood toy store. We decided to shoplift some toy guns (our moms wouldn’t let us play with real ones until we turned 14) and check out the latest Nintendo Game.
The next stop, of course, was the Bank. We did it just like in the movies; we burst into the bank, shouted, ‘This is a stick-up’, ordered everyone to lie on the floor face down with their hands behind their head, and gave the cashiers sacks to stuff with our loot.
Everything was going like clock work. Until we got to the safe. As it turned out, the safe was empty! The bank was bankrupt, they had no money left. Not knowing what to do, I turned to ask ‘Bouncing’ Bob for advice. He wasn’t there, he was busy flirting with one of the cashiers. I then asked Mumbles Malone, but I couldn’t make out anything he said. Barney suggested we go to McDonald’s because he was getting hungry since he didn’t have breakfast. By this time, the people in the bank noticed we were kids and that we only had toy guns. Boy, were they mad! They started screaming and yelling, ‘Thieves! Robbers! You won’t get away with this! Where’s our money?’ I thought we were goners for sure.
Then the people ran after the bank president and his six vice-presidents. The president called to the security guard for help but, he also kept his money in this bank and had joined the mob. We took this opportunity to sneak out. We didn’t leave empty-handed, though. We managed to swipe some pens and ashtrays with the bank’s logo on them. The best part was we made it to McDonald’s before the lines got too long.
(Jeb + Chuck - Ramiro)