“CONFESSION of a GHOST”
a novel by Alexandra Kryuchkova
in the “PLAYING ANOTHER REALITY” series
17 BEFORE/24 AFTER. HOUSE No. 10
*****EXALTATION of VENUS*****
***
Somewhere in the Universe
The Guardian and I walked along the beautiful and calm waves of the Ocean in House No. 10. The Sun finally shone there, although it was invisible, as well as the clouds, by the way.
“Piscis is the mystical and mysterious Sign of the Circle. People with Piscis in the 10th House are not earthly creatures, they are romantics, dreamers, mystics, with their minds in our Space, attracted by everything mysterious and enigmatic. They have amazing intuition, secret power over people. Often this position produces subtly sensitive politicians and connoisseurs of souls. Piscis is a sign of high spirituality. You’ll follow the Higher Self, become a knight of the Spirit and a guide of high ideals, but you’ll be required altruism and a lot of conscious sacrifice.”
“We’re in the Sphere of Vocation, right?”
“Vocation, profession, career, status, achievements, bosses and any superiors. Piscis is the last Sign of the Circle, a symbol of completeness and completion. People are professional masters of their craft who prefer not fixed time work schedule, more often in the field of arts – music, literature, theater, cinema; in the field of religion, in secret institutions and in everything connected with some secrets. Strange, mysterious and mystical events occur in their profession and career.”
“In the field of religion?”
“Not a frequent case, people give up their careers for the sake of serving God, leaving for monasteries.”
“And if not to leave?”
“One can master many professions at the same time, combining several jobs. It’s important to have a stronger partner nearby or a reliable assistant. It’s good for a woman to become a housewife, she’ll obviously have a creative hobby to realize her Self. As a boss, one will get out of difficult situations beautifully, but tends to appeal to the feelings of subordinates who abuse gentleness and deceive one. As an employee, one is deceived by one’s boss, loaded with harder work. In general, such position shows the love of power and the achievement of success thanks to the intuition of Piscis.”
“Is my House No. 10 ruled by Neptune in House No. 6?”
“Yes. Career through work or service to the world. Diligence, patience, responsibility, high efficiency, perfectionism, the ability to tame ambitions, overload, lack of proper rest, a sense of being bound hand and foot. Your Neptune is not evil, his co-ruler in House No. 10 is Jupiter, the happiest planet. You have Fomalhaut on the MC, and Venus is about to appear on the horizon!”
I gazed into the distance and saw a beautiful girl rising from the depths of the Ocean to the surface in a glittering long dress of a sea wave shade, with a crown of shells and white flowers.
“Hello, Rukh!” Venus smiled as she flew up to us.
“Your Venus is kind,” the Guardian smiled. “Besides, she is the third planet in terms of the power of manifestation in your destiny.”
“Are you by any chance my mother?” I asked.
“No, Rukh. I’m your Love.”
“So my mom isn’t even here!” I sighed.
“Don’t be sad,” Venus smiled. “I manage not only House No. 5, but also House No. 12, where you’ll learn about your parents. Everything that belongs to my Spheres, I fill with Love.”
“So my parents will love me, won’t they?” I asked hopefully.
“They will love you, and you will love them, very, very much,” Venus sighed.
“Saturn said that I would live with the old people, which meant my parents would leave me. Is it possible to love and leave?”
“Your parents are looking forward to your incarnation on Earth and will always be with you, but now let’s talk about me. I’m in Piscis, and this is the best Sign for me, my highest manifestation, here I am exalted like the Ocean, which depth can’t be measured. It’s Love overflowing its shores – Universal, Divine, Spiritual. It’s important to find someone who understands you, feels and loves you. You, like no one else, need earthly love. Because of the thirst for tenderness, you tend to idealization of a partner, hypersensitivity and total self-sacrifice, up to dissolving yourself in him. Vampires and sadists will sit on your neck, dangling their paws and…”
“Pluto,” I sighed.
“It looks like. You are too patient, in everyone you try to find the Higher Self to the last, to pull it out, reveal, realize one’s spiritual potential and raise it to the maximum level. There are not many people on Earth with a predominance of the Higher Self. Having experienced the pain of disappointment, you’ll close yourself, hiding me at the bottom like a treasure, and stop showing your feelings. Perhaps you’ll be afraid of men.”
“There is a conflict,” I sighed. “Hypertrophied desire to love and fear of its fulfillment due to the possible pain for the soul, right?”
“Right, that’s why Venus in Piscis is often called longing for true love. You’ll be drawn to our World. Earthly and material things are initially secondary, although I love everything beautiful, and earthly things too. For ordinary people, you are a strange creature, at least. In the absence of a loved one, you’ll suffer greatly. Anyway, you aren’t interested in superficial connections with superficial personalities – only in deep relationship with deep people. What is harder, to be alone or with someone completely alien?”
“The problem is not you, Rukh,” the Guardian said. “Venus in Piscis has already gone through all types of love in its development, starting from youthful maximalism in Aries, and has reached the scale of the Universe. Neptune-Piscis means Universal Love, and Venus is its manifestation in relation to a particular person.”
“An ideal woman in all forms,” Venus agreed. “As a wife, a lover, a mother, a daughter. A soul that feels and understands another person without words, instantly adapts to the situation, is able to forget the own Self, guided and completely devoted. You don’t pay attention to everyday details, are not prone to conflicts, don’t get hung up on trifles, strive for harmony and beauty.”
“Rukh,” the Guardian said thoughtfully. “You can’t help but love. Purely physical relationships with men who don’t touch your heart are unacceptable for you. Put your sufferings on paper so as not to fall into depression. No wonder people say that it’ll endure everything. Your spiritual Self is too delicate for contact with the rough matter of the Earth.”
“The Guardian is right,” Venus agreed.
“No one will love me, right?” I sighed.
“They will constantly fall in love with you! I give you impeccable taste, exquisite jewelry and luxurious furs, elegance, and Pluto gives his magical charm and influence on the masses. Unlike the other Venuses, you emanate an inner Light.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Men tend to think that beauty cannot be spiritual,” the Guardian clarified. “Those who seek the beauty of the soul will bypass you. They don’t know that you have Venus in Piscis in House No. 10. The wrong people will be attracted to you, but, given your emotional dependence on feelings… Divine beauty needs a glass cover to protect it from the dirt of the earthly world.”
“However, I’m kind and manage your Sphere of Creativity!” Venus stated. “Saving way! Venuses in Piscis are amazing artists, poets, musicians, actors, designers, fashion designers, people of arts and cultural figures. Neptune-Piscis is musical, poetic and mystical, it gives inspiration, a penchant for meditation and penetration into our World, while I create masterpieces. Just don’t forget to rest, preferably nearby some water! And leave at once those who are not able to contain your Love! It’s good to forgive, but take a step away and don’t suffer from masochism.”
“Does your position in the Sign say how one loves?”
“Yes, and about the attitude to money, entertainments and pleasures, to beauty. For large capital, turn to Jupiter, and I’ll provide you with the means to live. You are an esthete, a connoisseur of beauty, both internal and external. Furs and paintings inspire you, perhaps you’ll collect stones, because of my friendship with Saturn, create exclusive jewelry, but… Piscis is the Sign of the Spirit, you know, the earthly things don’t matter much for such people. If they have them or not, it’s the same okay, thank God. Most likely, by the end of your life you’ll get rid of everything earthly. I’m in a terminal degree of Piscis. The Sign of Piscis itself is a terminal, final one, the Sign of summing up. Its last degrees mean the maximum manifestation of the qualities of the planet into them. You’ll take the exam on Universal Love.”
“Ugh,” I exhaled.
“Don’t be afraid, everything will be fine!” Venus laughed. “Thanks to the terminal degree, my qualities will manifest in you almost from birth. You’ll start creating at an early age. And, adoring nature and animals, you’ll speak with them in the language of the soul, and they will reciprocate. Taking into consideration our friendship with Saturn, you’ll show compassion, mercy, surround with unselfish love and care the elderly, all those who have one foot in our World, you’ll see Heaven in their eyes, and feel God in their hearts.”
We fell silent. Land appeared on the horizon.
“What if I don’t pass the Universal Love exam?” I asked.
“I’m kind in your passport!” Venus laughed.
***
Library of the Universe
“What does the degree where Venus is located mean?” I asked the Guardian as I sat down at our usual table in the Reading Hall. “Besides the fact it’s terminal.”
“It’s a degree of Jupiter and Sagittarius. Jupiter brings happiness, wealth and grandiose success in everything, but the terminal degree of Piscis supposes the opposite – a withdrawal from the earthly. Difficult destiny. A vagabond person, not prone to material accumulation, kind, creative, helps everyone, but people laugh at ‘a strange one, alien’. It’s good to be on stage, especially in a clown mask. A rare combination of humor and sadness. One jokes, remaining outwardly absolutely serious. You shouldn’t make plans, since all of them will collapse, live for today.”
“And my Saturn needs stability,” I sighed.
“This is the degree of people who are completely imperceptible to others, slowly but surely – in the spirit of Saturn – doing something spiritual and important for the world. Subsequently, the name of a person will cease to be associated with non-seriousness, you will be respected.”
“Listen, so Saturn turns out to be in the terminal degree too? Not of Piscis, but Cancer, right?”
“Saturn is your Self and means your personality. Saturn separates special individuals from the mass with its rings. It symbolizes Time, boundaries and restrictions, traditions, systems, laws, rules, career and power, wisdom and old age. In a terminal degree, like all planets, it manifests from childhood. Over time, he will let you go. A planet in any terminal degree tends to lose its pressure over the years. It acts in a downward direction, splashes out immediately the maximum, and then, when the energy is already at zero, takes a step aside. Saturn in House No. 1 means one who is born old and dies a child, that is, one becomes wise too early because of facing not childish problems, and turns into a child by old age.”
“You and Saturn didn’t tell me about his degree!”
“The degree of clairvoyance and astrology. A closed romantic personality, hypersensitivity, irascibility and instant withdrawal, a tendency to fall under other people’s negative influence, including magic. Danger of violent death, suicide or death shrouded in mystery. By the way, your Pars Mortis is almost in conjunction with the star Deneb Algedi. It means violent death and glory, wealth and leadership.”
“Do you mean rich or glorious funeral?” I muttered sarcastically.
“Maybe. Or glory will reach you immediately after your funeral!”
“Oh! You’ve significantly increased my optimism! My MC is in a destructive degree. How many of them are there in total?”
“Seven, like the Royal ones. A destructive degree means a series of tests on the strength of the Spirit. From the outside, it seems that one attracts all sorts of troubles and hardships, one’s life foundations are collapsing, but here, in Heaven, they are watching one’s reaction to all that.”
“Provocation!” I exclaimed.
“Quite right. Life is a school, after which final exams are prescribed. If one treats with humility, looks at what is happening philosophically, understands that all the fundamental principles are inside and can’t be destroyed, except perhaps by oneself, one is left in peace. If one turns away from the Light and heads towards the Darkness, misfortunes grow exponentially. Any of the 7 destructive degrees means the fate of the Phoenix Bird.”
“Why am I so lucky?” I exclaimed. “Why is it me and not someone else to be incarnated as the Phoenix Bird?”
“When you ask in despair, ‘Why?’, reply to yourself, ‘Everything could be much worse.’ Phoenix is a magical bird and, unlike others, can be reborn from the ashes an unlimited number of times. After the 101st or 1,001st rebirth, the destructive degree will be played as a Royal one as compensation for humility and long-suffering. The Royal degrees will turn into a tragedy for a person who amuses his ego and doesn’t share happiness with others.”
I exhaled heavily and took out a book about ghosts, which instantly opened at the “White Dance” story about a man who at first didn’t believe in love of his girl, then was frightened by her strong feelings under the pretext of “you deserve much more”, and in the end, when he nevertheless decided on a relationship, the girl died in an accident.
“She was gone, but for a long time, every morning and evening, when he left for work and returned home, on that very poster on the billboard at the embankment, she met him and saw him off, smiling and repeating, ‘I LOVE YOU!’ He saw the same snow and a grey, hopeless sky outside the window. It was very cold, however, on TV they no longer promised any warming.”
*****TURTLE*****
***
Moscow
I found the fireplace turned on in the room. I had forgotten to turn it off the day before. Sitting on the bed, I looked at the flames and was already falling into the Mist, when I heard a familiar voice,
“Are you meditating?” Ray asked entering the room through the balcony.
“Are you controlling me not to disappear, waiting for the 40th day to take me to Hell?”
“Foolish honey, I would have dragged you there right away!” Ray sat down next to me and hugged me. “What do we do next? Or will we continue to fool around?”
“I don’t want.”
“What do you mean?” Ray looked straight in the eye.
“I don’t want anything anymore. I’m tired. It’s all useless.”
“So, are you giving up?” Ray started rocking me.
“Leave me alone,” I pushed his hands away. “I feel so sad. So…”
“You won’t believe it, I feel worse!”
“You have been purposefully going to that ‘worse’ all your life.”
“And all your life, you have been consciously going towards something completely different and almost reached it. Why are you stubborn like a sheep? Is it really more difficult to remember and finish just a couple of things?”
“I haven’t pass my Path. I gave up a long time ago when I refused my memory. It’s useless now to try to make up for what has not been completed with a couple of cases. Who will count it? How many years have I lived on Earth for nothing?”
“What does it matter now?”
“The longer, the worse! Imagine how much useful and prescribed in Heaven things I could do during that time? Anyhow, I had only good intentions!”
“The road to the frying pan is paved with good intentions, Alice. However, you are not me. You probably have not so many sins not to pay them by completing of the unfinished. Although, the worst part of the trial in the Court has not been reached yet.”
“You’re scaring me! What’s worse than my erased memory? Does it have something to do with my trip to Hell? With magic? What are they discussing now?”
“Your mission. Poetry. Prose. Everything you created.”
“Well, the devils must be having fun at my verbiage!”
“The devils try to remember everything, but, as a rule, lie at random. Yesterday a turtle crawled to the Court.”
“Are you kidding me? What turtle?”
“You saved a turtle yesterday, and you don’t remember that anymore. The turtle didn’t come, but the life of just one turtle outweighed several of your sins at once. What are you going to do?”
“To talk with the Woman, but she has insomnia. That Woman is related to the Boy. But what should I talk to them about? A weird plastic necklace is still spinning in my head. I have to go down to Hell again to look for something I don’t remember.”
“Or for who,” Ray said.
“Listen, could the devil hide the handle in Hell?”
“You should not get hung up on the handle. I can’t believe, you haven’t still remembered the main thing that lies on the surface, as obvious and elementary as two times two is four! You automatically got it right with the turtle.”
“Stop! I was in the Past, nothing can be changed in it!”
“If the turtle had been hit by a car in the Past, you would have seen it in the Past. Both the turtle and the car were in your here and now. You see a strange Monk on Athos. Do you think he is in your Past?”
“No, the Monk is here and now.”
“Conclusion, all the good you can still do on Earth, even as a ghost, will be put on your account in the Court. But you have time until the 40th day,” Ray sighed and turned off the fireplace with his gaze. “Let’s go scanning!”
Suddenly, the Ghost of my neighbor’s husband appeared in front of us.
“Hi,” he exhaled sadly. “Sorry…”
“What’s happened?” I flew up to the Ghost.
“I’m leaving … I just came to say goodbye.”
“Leaving? Why? Did something happen to Lena? Is she alive?”
The Ghost nodded sadly and sat down on one of my bags, covering his face with his hands.
“Alive,” he replied dully. “Just… she fell in love…”
“You know, when everyone leaves, you can’t stay alone. The silence starts driving you crazy slowly. You’re constantly hanging in your thoughts, plunging into the Past and trying to change something there so that it changes here and now, but it doesn’t work, and death, as luck would have it, doesn’t come for you. So then you have to let the Past go, you know… to try to find someone to communicate in the Present. To continue to live on Earth, and not in the world of Ghosts. We the ghosts love people already with Universal Love! Let your Lena go! Give her a chance to move on!”
“Have you found what you were looking for? Remembered?” the Ghost asked with a heavy sigh and went to the window.
“Not yet. There, in Heaven, please ask Elders to pray for me.”
***
Ouranoupoli
Dimitra left for Thessaloniki, Janis was on Mount Athos, Socrates closed his shop early. I admired the rarity of his shop window – the wooden folding triptych, a replica of the Athos triptych of the 13th century, with the two-headed eagle, the coat of arms of Athos, engraved on the doors. There were 3 images inside, painted on a black background in 3 colors – red, beige and green, St. George and St. Dmitry on the sides, the “Unfading Flower” in the center.
“Hello, Alice! Oh, I’ve become slow like a turtle,” Kiri patted me on the shoulder as she walked by and stroked her tummy with her hand. “There are no buyers for icons, so I’m thinking of exchanging icons for cosmetics. I have a natural cosmetics shop on the main street. Such goods are easier to sell. I don’t know what to do next.”
Me the Ghost didn’t know either what to do next, thus, leaving myself in the Past to console Kiri, I went to Joice.
***
Tower of Ouranoupoli
“What’s new, Alice?” Joice asked and visualized the cups.
“Nothing to be proud of. I found a ring and a pendant of St. George the Victorious at home. He helped me climb the Literary Olympus. The rest is nothing: blank notebooks, paper, pencils, pens, folders, well, in brief, stationery. And there are no turtles rushing under cars on Athos today.”
Footsteps were heard on the stairs, and a misty outline appeared in our room.
“Alice! What a joy! I’ve found you!” said the Woman, and her face was doubling again. “Where are we?”
“On Athos, in Ouranoupoli.”
“Athos? Ah, yes, I wanted to come to you! And he wanted too!” the Woman whispered, becoming more transparent and then manifesting distinctly again.
“Don’t disappear, please!” I whispered, trying to hold her hand. “Don’t wake up!”
“As if you were calling me, and I thought ‘Where is Alice? I need to see her!’, ” the Woman said and started disappearing again.
“Oh no! Wait!” I screamed, squeezing her ghostly hand that was constantly slipping away. “Why were you in the hall there?”
“What hall?”
“The play, that play that I played … Well, the play! Remember! Wearing a hijab, I recited poetry, and then I became a ghost! You were in the hall!”
“Alice, you became a ghost, yes, I know, have 40 days already passed? Have you seen HIM?” The Woman looked at me with hope and so plaintively that I felt completely uneasy, and her hand, almost invisible even to ghosts, slipped out of mine.
“Oh no! I beg you! Don’t disappear! Who are you? What do we have in common?”
“I am Love,” the Woman whispered and … disappeared, and I threw the ghostly cup against the wall from my own impotence and screamed,
“God, who is this Woman? Why has she two faces?”
“She’s Love, she told you!” Joice smiled. “What did she say to you on the roof?”
“She keeps my poems and books, but she isn’t a keeper.”
“You’re my good girl,” Joice said as parents did to children finishing their cold porridge. “What else?”
“I don’t remember anything else! Joice, what should I do? I want to wake up! This is a nightmare! Just a dream! A dream! I’m tired! I don’t have the strength to remember anymore!”
***
Library of the Universe
“They asked me from the Union of Writers to send 2 poems with my photo and autobiography for the Writers’ Calendar. My biography is my “Playing Another Reality” series.”
“Chubais’ brother, sitting to my right, spoke at the Literary Union after the report of the director of “Znanie-Sila” magazine on culture in Europe and Russia. My “Brother” once sat next to Chubais, and I sat next to Chubais’ brother. There was something in it. I gave my “Book of Knowledge” to Dmitry Tseselchuk and Nina. They will make a presentation of my “Another Reality” on November 24.”
“I performed on the Old Arbat in the Doolin House at the evening in memory of Igor Talkov. Tomorrow I’m going to record about 20 songs.”
“At the school where I studied, they hung my portrait right at the entrance with the inscription ‘The school is proud of them!’ There is also a boy, a little older, the Minister of Culture, and a girl, a little younger, an Olympic champion.”
“On February 11, I recited ‘In This City’ and ‘Dance on the Square’ at the Patriarch’s Ponds performance, organized by the newspaper ‘Evening Moscow’ and N. Nikiforova. It was very cold. We were recorded on video, they promised to post it on the ‘Evening Moscow’ website. On my way to the metro, passing by the Bulgakov’s house-museum, I saw the mailbox ‘Letters to the Master’, but I didn’t have a pen with me. I sent a paper with my poems.”
“I recited in the Small Hall of the Central House of Writers at the ‘Poet of the Year’. I knew Mr. Sibirtsev and Mr. Kedrov in the jury, they both handed me envelopes with the nomination. I recited ‘Without Cross’. It has these words, ‘Give your girlfriends the glory of a mortal pedestal, I will smile, closing the Circle, since I have long become the very first one’.”
“I’m going to the final of the King of Poetry competition like to the scaffold. I have never recited in the Great Hall of the Central House of Writers. It’s unrealistic to win, neither by the vote of the audience, nor by the jury (they are from the Literary Institute, and I am not from there). My son asked, ‘Why are you going there then?’ One of the finalists went to a literary party, then wrote, ‘I've talked with many here, everyone thinks that you will win, because your poetry is strong, which means that you have already won.’ If you know you’ll leave with nothing, you don’t need to adapt to be liked by someone. I know half of the finalists personally. I like their poems. Each of us is a piece of a large mosaic called ‘poetry’. It’s a pity that Prakhov didn’t get to the final.”
“The President of the International Association of Citizens of Arts invites me to perform in Madrid either on March 22 or April 26, 2012 (Thursdays both! What a trifle, ladies and gentlemen, to be in Madrid ‘for a Thursday’). Aaron, ‘Let’s decide exactly the dates of your arrival in May (!) 2012.’ How can I plan exactly (!) six months ahead?”
“The Literary Union awarded me with the diploma of ‘Outstanding Worker of Culture and Art of Russia’ in connection with the state scholarships. There is the number and date of the decree. The President signed it. I thank the Higher Powers for bringing me to this joyful day, and to everyone who supported me on my thorny Path!”
“Tuesday the 19th must be experienced separately. I’ll perform in front of 500 people at the Academy of the Ministry of Emergency Situations. I have never had such experience before.”
“I’ll recite again in the Museum of Marina Tsvetaeva in Borisoglebsky Lane. I gave them my books, including ‘Another Reality’, because in the Temple of the Soul I saw not only Akhmatova, Yesenin and Mayakovsky, but also Tsvetaeva. It was she who told me when I wanted to ‘Down from the frank balcony, so that to dust and pitch’ (MTs),‘Live! Live for all of us!’”
“A man came up to me in Petrovich club, smiling, ‘Will I really be rich? I’m Ilya Bestuzhev.’ We met at the Pushkin Readings in Mikhailovskoe on the eve of my accident. Each of us held our own literary salon. Once he had his birthday party in the small hall of Alibi club, while I was the presenter of a literary party in the big hall. I invited him and his friends to recite in our competition. Ilya came once when I moved to Petrovich club on Monday. He moved there next, but ‘for Wednesday’. I visited Lena Zhmachinskaya’s salon (she had been to Pushkin Readings with us too), but I never visited Ilya’s salon. And suddenly he came to me again! I said, ‘Listen, let’s show us to them all!’ And, when everyone finished reciting, we went on stage together and were reciting impromptu for an hour one poem in turn (1 poem by him, 1 poem by me and so on). I asked, ‘Take a picture of us, when else are we going to recite together? A unique event!’ Not a single photo on my phone came out, everything was blurry, only astral bodies. Ilya’s phone was out of charge. Another guest came up, took a picture of us on her phone and laughed, ‘You are in the Mist!’”
***
I closed the diary, returned it to its place and clasped my head in my hands, that was all about nothing. Suddenly, someone, having silently sneaked up from behind, exclaimed,
“What a meeting! Will I be rich?”
“Ilya? Wow! What are you doing here?”
“Don’t you know? There is a free microphone in the Small Hall! I don’t remember my poems by heart,” he answered, taking a book of poems from the shelf. “Finally! You are with us too! Let’s run to take our seats!”
“I don’t understand… Here, in the Library? Free mic?”
“Well, yes! On different days for different centuries. The bards perform too. There are also various scientific conferences there. Just the other day, Plato made a speech about the Music of the Spheres.”
“You’re kidding!”
“Alice, it’s like on Earth here, just much more interesting! Could you talk to Plato there?”
“Is the entrance free?”
“Yes, and you don’t have to pay even at the exit!”
“Well, is everyone allowed in?”
“They don’t let devils in so that they don’t make a mess, others are welcome!”
“I’m not.”
“I don’t see hooves,” Ilya carefully examined me from head to toe, “tails either!”
“I’m stuck… Somewhere between…”
“However, they let you into the Library! You used to come here during your lifetime, you met the poets of the Silver Age here. Or was it just the fruit of your imagination?”
“No, it wasn’t!”
Ilya grabbed my hand, and we flew away…