***

Sometimes
it seems to me
that only beautiful people deserve such things as
love
or happiness
and the actual right
to enjoy things like nice food or fine clothing or other beautiful people.

Why did it take so much time for me
to actually
start realising
that I have a right to like and dislike things and not feel out of sorts in every possible way
for having preferences?
Like,
this is me
and these are my yes'es
and my no's.

Why does it take so much time
to start realising
that you actually have a right to be bad at maths
or language
or clothing
or politics
or dates
or whatever,
and be like
yeah
it's me.
To have a bad voice and still like singing.
To enjoy some sick music shit.
To care or not to care.
To have a slight hope
that
maybe
someone likes you too
and not feel like you don't deserve it.
To speak about things that bother you
and not feel guilty about it.
To say no
and not feel uncomfortable.
To recieve gifts
and not feel
like you must give
something in return or you are in debt now.
To say
no
I don't want to be a lawyer
or an economist
or whoever else just to have something except for my first education.
And yes
I want
to live and not to survive in my own country
and still have a possibility to stay kind
and compassionate
and to have a soft heart.
To be weird sometimes and stare at an ant following its root for fifteen minutes
without the need to make excuses of my behaviour.

Why does it take so much time
to start realising
that you don't have to find yourself a name?

03.05.2019