Looking for myself

Yesterday.
I was looking for myself yesterday.
That's what occurred -
I was looking for myself yesterday.
And couldn't find anything -
Not a little thing of me.
Not a single sign of me.
Not even a track of my steps,
Leading from the room to the garden.
I was looking for myself everywhere.
I was looking for myself everywhere.
I swear -
I didn't see anything
That could remind me of who I was,
What I was, why I was.
I looked through the window to see
How the shadow crawled on the road,
Ran away, letting me not to guess
Who it was, what it was, why it was.
I looked into my room,
I saw different things - CD's, books, photos.
A bed where I (somebody)slept.
Oh, I didn't know it was so bad -
To lose yourself, unable to find.
I looked in the books, but they told me nothing.
Books about adventures, minerals, fantasies.
Somebody's fantasies, not mine.
What could I find?
That I (or not I) have different interests?
And so what? What did it give me?
I couldn't find who I was,
What I was, why I was.
I listened to the CD's, tapes, vynil records.
Music, poetry, voices of people.
Country, rock, pop, heavy metal.
Why would I (somebody) listen to this nonsense?
Complex nonsense of sounds, words, ideas...
I looked into my (somebody's) diary.
What did I find? Nothing!
"That guy is so cute!", "This store is just adorable!"
"I hate that bitch! she tries to steal my boyfriend!"
What does all this tell me about me?
No! I can't find anything!
Pictures with friends, with parents, with nobody.
These faces. Blank faces. Faceless faces.
I don't know them, I'm scared of these people.
Well, I was asking different people:
Parents, relatives, friends.
"Who are you talking about?"
They asked instead of the answer.
"I don't remember such a name..."
"Oh, wait! I think I know her -
She was my daughter, cousin, friend"
But what was she, why was she?
Nobody could say.
I was looking for myself yesterday,
I looked in the garden.  I looked in the kitchen.
Noodles with juice. Judles with noose...
Noose... A rope. I remember the rope.
I remember the gun. I remember the bridge.
Across the wide wild river.
I remember attempts, which were unsuccessful.
Unfortunately.
And you know, I begin to remember
Something about this girl.
About her life. About her... everything.

... Now I'm in the hospital,
Trying to get rid of depression.
And I am successful in it.
Fortunately.
I'm still searching, looking for myself,
In the deep-deep river of my soul.
In the dark-dark corner of my heart.
I'm trying to understand what is wrong
And find the answer to the questions:
Who am I? What am I? Why am I?
It's important for me,
Because if I won't find the answers,
I will look for myself anyways.
But without the knowledge
That the world can be better,
That the sky can be higher,
That the sun can be brighter,
That the air can be cleaner,
That the soul can be peaceful,
I can't find the right way.
I want to find the answers.
I know it will take awhile.
But then I will know
Who I am, what I am, why I am.
It will be easier for me to breathe
Because then I won't need
To follow the shadow in the garden,
Look through the books and diaries,
Talk to different people
Just to know that every morning,
When the sun goes up
And gives birth to a new day,
When the wind blows and brings
The smell of rain,
When I wake up and see myself In the mirror,
I can say: "Good morning, beautiful!
How was your night?"
And I will know
Whom I'm talking to.
Because it wouldn't be nobody.
Because it wouldn't be somebody.
It would be just me.
Just me.
And I'm still looking for myself.
Today, tomorrow, next day, next year.
I promise, I will find myself.
I promise.
To somebody who is in the depth of the soul
Is me.

(written 2002 while staying in the USA. the whole story is fiction)