Александр Гивенталь - написанные рецензии

Рецензия на «Шекспир Сонет 49 Перевод» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Класс! Все же, я думаю (не обессудьте, Женя, я не из тех кто расточaет дешевые комплименты) Вы делите славу с "уступчивотью речи русской" (по выражению Цветаевой).

Александр Гивенталь   09.12.2014 10:06   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Цветаева Я тебя отвоюю... English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Joseph Brodsky:

I will win you away from every earth, from every sky,
For the woods are my place of birth, and the place to die,
For while standing on earth I touch it with but one foot,
For I'll sing your worth as nobody could or would.

I will win you from every time and from every night,
From all banners that throb and shine, from all swords held tight;
I'll drive dogs outside, hurl the keys into dark and fog,
For in the mortal night I'm a more faithful dog.

I will win you from all my rivals, and from the one;
You will never enjoy a bridal, nor I a man.
And in the final struggle I'll take you – don't make a sound! –
From him by whom Jacob stood on the darkened ground.

But until I cross your fingers upon your breast
You possess – what a curse! – yourself: you are selfpossessed;
Both your wings, as they yearn for the ether, become unfurled,
For the world's your cradle, and your grave's the world.

Александр Гивенталь   03.09.2014 04:42   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Марина Цветаева Свобода English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Here is a "professional" translation, by Robin Kemball
from his "The Demesne of the Swans", the translation
of the whole Tsvetaeva's book "Lebedinyj Stan"
(Published by "Ardis" in 1980), I am quoting from memory
so not sure if it is "stately" or something else:

Your temple, so stately and steady,
You quit for the scream of the square.
O, Liberty! Beautiful Lady
Marquis, Russian princes found fair!

So far we've been fearful choir practice,
Communion is yet to take place.
O, Liberty! Harlot, seductress
In some giddy-brained soldier's embrace.

Александр Гивенталь   21.10.2012 03:47   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Dance» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Bravo!

I claim that this is not English poetry but Russian poetry in the English language. Proof: I am the evidence. Indeed, I absolutely can't read (that is neither enjoy not even pronounce correctly on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd try)
any English or American verse, but have absolutely no problem with this one of yours - and enjoy reading it! - on the first try.

Александр Гивенталь   01.09.2012 05:48   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Лермонтов И скучно и грустно English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Very clear translation: sounds just like the original and conveys the sense and mood. Yet, I think "torment" as a noun has the stress on the first syllable. Cheers,



Александр Гивенталь   06.08.2012 22:11   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Лермонтов Я не люблю тебя English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Congratulations! - A very good translation.
As for possible improvements: besides "form" (her forms that cannot wane in his memory??), I am distracted by the line "But its dear light stays just as broad", for two reasons:
(1) "broad light" - what is this? and
(2) "dear light" with unstressed "dear" makes the line very tense.
Could you try another rhyme for "god", for instance "thought - god" (or "spot - god")?
Cheers,


Александр Гивенталь   28.07.2012 01:33   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Высоцкий Баллада о любви English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Dear Eugenia,

You are right - the rhyming is very sophisticated. Apparently as a result of this you are forced to make some choices of words which, unfortunately, are hard to interpret, especially without knowing the original. Let's take the first stanza:

When tides of the Great Flood have reacquired
Their rest within the limit of the BAY,
From the retrieving foam, unseen and quiet,
Onto the shore love slowly made its way,
Dissolving in the air till time required -
That time to last forever and a day.

What BAY, if the flood is the Great one?
By RETRIEVING you perhaps meant RETREATING.
Who is UNSEEN AND QUIET? the foam?
Your LOVE is unstressed suggesting that it has already appeared
among the acting characters - as if every flood had a love hidden in it. (Compare with 'Onto the shore I slowly made my way' where the unstressed 'I' is OK since the first person is always there.) You need to move LOVE to a stressed position (e.g. Then slowly love made to the shore its way.)

So, a lot of work still remains to make the translation 'work.'

Strangely, although Vysotsky is the most translated of the 'bards'
(there is a website with multiple attempts to translate dozens of his songs into several languages), I haven't seen any truly satisfying English translation - somehow Vysotsky is among the hardest.

Cheers,

Alexander

Александр Гивенталь   07.07.2012 20:55   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Ким Нет я не плачу и не рыдаю English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Dear Eugenia, your translation is a pure joy!
Usually a first reading of a familiar Russian text set in English is hard and slow, but this one reads as if this were the original.



Александр Гивенталь   24.09.2011 21:13   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Пастернак Зимняя ночь English» (Евгения Саркисьянц)

Dear Eugenia,

It sounds very good - thanks! I used to like my own translation, but the sound of it is still missing the charm of the original. Yours sounds closer!

This is a hard piece indeed (and you preserved the structure completely - which is as twice as hard). It should not be surprising therefore that with a critical attitude, it is always possible to find some problems.

For example, the meaning of the third verse is unclear: the original speaks about the frosted ornament on the window pane, but in your translation this image seems lost.

Also, "drift" (noun) does not seem to have the needed here meaning of
"draft".

Can a candle that "hovers" additionally "quiver"?

What is "dripping" of "light"?

All of this is most likely fixable, but I hesitate to propose anything particular (for, only you, the author, know what exactly was at stake at each particular choice). But I'd like to encourage you to
work a bit more on this piece: you are close to a perfect translation!

Александр Гивенталь   19.07.2011 10:24   •   Заявить о нарушении

Рецензия на «Сара Тиздейл. Взгляд» (Вячеслав Чистяков)

Петя в марте чмокал сладко,
В сентябре Иван,
Марк же все смотрел украдкой,
Но не целовал.

Шутка - поцелуи Пети,
Ванечки - игра,
Марка ж, что во взглядах этих,
Снятся до утра.

Александр Гивенталь   30.06.2011 03:01   •   Заявить о нарушении